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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.