Late-Night Hosts Target Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Visa Plan

Television's leading hosts devoted the broadcast mocking former President Donald Trump's just announced immigration initiative, labeled the "gold card," portraying it as a blatant cash-for-residency scheme for the wealthy.

Stephen Colbert's Sarcastic Spin

Opening his program, Stephen Colbert presented a mock Christmas jingle directed at the president. "He is compiling a list, reviewing it twice, before giving that list to the people at ICE," he intoned. "Trump ... spoils all he touches."

Colbert's target was the controversial initiative that enables overseas individuals to purchase U.S. residency for the price of $1 million dollars, with a "top-tier" tier for $5 million. A government page guarantees approval "in record time."

"One note here to rich foreigners: prior to you fork over the cash, have you considered Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He pointed out that the scheme is also intended to "get cash" from firms wishing to hire foreign workers, involving hefty fees. "That is a lot of fees, though if you register, you also get a complimentary stay at a property of your selection – if it's the a specific Marriott," he said.

"The most thorough vetting the U.S. government has ever done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to ensure these applicants truly qualify to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert responded. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Critique

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"This is a card that will permit affluent international individuals to live here," he said. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a route to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one major crime of your choosing."

"Maybe it's time to revise that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel teased the brevity of the application, observing it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."

"That's right, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "That's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you give the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Grocery Struggles

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's declining poll numbers during financial anxiety. "People gave Donald Trump a another term because they were angry about the economy," he explained.

Recently, in a effort to discuss cost of living, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a selection of grocery items, and behaved strangely to some cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"Trump is so fucking weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by mocking conservative news coverage of Trump's financial performance. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to what FIFA did," he laughed.