Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
